Everybody Loves Junk Food

This is going to be a short update.  I just felt that I should put this up here because I feel like I've been neglecting this lately.

This is just another reason why I love America and the Internet: http://www.chocomize.com/

Make your own chocolate bar, including your choice of topping.  Both Bacon and Beef Jerky, as well as Potato Chips are all available as toppings.  Wow!

Also, I recently discovered that the Wendy's Tripple Baconator is officially the deadliest fast food in America.  I guess it's true what my friends and I have been saying.  It DOES take ten years off your life.  For a full list of the top 40 deadliest fast foods, check this website.

Regards from my desk where I continue to sit and get fat!

You're One In A Million

So I just read a twitter that informed me that all up and coming Guns 'N Roses dates are officially cancelled.  Not that I had plans to see them any time soon.  It really is good to know that some things never change, Axl.  Jerk.

Malifaux - A Very Wyrd Review

Game: Malifaux
Producer: Wyrd Miniatures
Style: Story Based Skirmish Game
Minimum Startup Cost: $35
Appropriate Startup Cost: $80

Preface:

As I mentioned in an earlier post.  I have a deep seeded hatred for Miniatures games.  Which makes my love for this game surprising indeed.

Take what you know about miniatures games and defenestrate it.  You're in for a wild ride!

Overview:

I'm going to start with what is hands down the most important part of this game.  The setting.  The rulebook for this game is half fantasy novel, and half rules text.  It reads painlessly as either one alternating chapters between a section of rules, and a chapter of the story which includes a variety of colorful characters.

Lets get a little more specific.  I have heard the setting for this game described in many ways.  None of which have been the same.  I've heard testimony that the game's creator describes it as, "Victorio-Horror-Wester-Punk," (This quote may be a little inaccurate, but you get the basic idea.) The only stable thing that I've heard agreed upon is that Malifaux (the setting) is a mash-up of many different commonly exploited game and fantasy settings and genres.  In my own opinion, it is exactly the right balance of all of these things and creates something incredibly beautiful.

"I really wanted to hate the Resurrectionists," said a friend of mine on the subject of one of the setting's factions, "Because I'd played undead in so many other miniatures games.  But I just couldn't.  They did so many different and original things with them that I can't help but love them."

Delving further leads us to Malifaux's Factions.  An element to this game that is functional in both game mechanics and setting fluff.  There are five Factions in Malifaux: The Guild, The Resurrectionists, The Arcanists, The Neverborn, and The Outcasts.  In the story, they are the five warring pseudo-political Factions that create the tension and conflict through their interactions.  In the game, players pick one of the Factions to recruit models from and assemble their Crew for the Scrap or Brawl they are about to face another player in. Every Crew has a Master, which is essentially your leader, and often a main character from the story line.

The Guild - They are the lawmakers in the setting.  At first, I was thinking paladins, but as I read further, I discovered that this was the first in a long list of tropes that the setting decided to invert.  The Guild does not make laws because they feel it's right, they make laws because it is much easier to turn a profit when all of the citizens in your city are ground into depression and subservience by your jackboot.  Pure genius. Guild masters include Lady Justice (with eyes as blind as justice should be), Sonia Criid (the mage hunter), and Perdita Ortega (with gunslinging skills that would put Annie Oakley to shame).

The Resurectionists - You guessed it: Necromancers.  Once again, forget what you know.  These guys aren't your typical hang-around-the-graveyard-talking-to-corpses-shut-ins that so many fantasy settings make them out to be.  Well, most of them aren't.  Of the main Resurectionists in the story, one is a Dr. Frankenstein knock-off, and the other is a bat-sh*t crazy Irishman with a very fine hat, and a very large gun.  These guys traipse around the setting on a quest for knowledge that can only spell the end of the world if left unchecked.  That trope was signed sealed and delivered to fantastic effect because they weren't even aware they were doing it.

The Arcanists - Mages, Inventors, Scientists, and sometimes even Cultists.  These guys are into just about everything, especially if it chafes against what the Guild is after.  Of all the factions, I know the least about the Arcanists, having never played against them.  Their part in the story is mostly a back seat role, however that doesn't make it any less important, it just means you don't see most of them most of the time.  For as much as they branch out, The Arcanists are colorful and imaginatively put together.

The Neverborn - The native peoples of Malifaux are the things of nightmares.  Twisted bastardizations of their formers selves.  They are the ones that are really in charge, and have been running things from behind the scenes for years by manipulating all of the other Factions without their knowledge.  The Neverborn are my chosen Faction.  I love their play style and fluff.  Objectively, each one of the Masters for the Neverborn have their own play style and unique ability set.  Lilith is an enchanting beauty that rules over demonic hordes charging into battle for little more than the taste of the blood of her enemies. Pandora (yes, the one with the box) is a manipulative nightmare using a truly painful amount of willpower effects to manipulate the entire enemy crew.  Zorida is an old swamp hag specializing in practicing tarot cards and voodoo, and shame on you if you attack an old woman, because she will punish you for it.  Diverse and powerful, this Faction gets a very subjective A+.

The Outcasts - Every miniatures games needs a group of mercenaries that can be used to fill out other lists.  Malifaux has the Outcasts.  Possibly the most diverse and comical of all the Factions, the Outcasts have next to no unity, which makes them so beautiful.  Their masters range from a Katana wielding, trentch coat wearing, femme fatale with an no-longer-evil twin sister (The Vicktorias), to a redneck goblin with a musket (So'mer Teeth Jones).  In the story, the Outcasts fill in the gaps, working for anyone who will pay them the proper going rate.  In the game, they do exactly the same thing.  They are able to be hired by any other Faction for an additional cost above their normal unit price.

The Game:

I'd like to spend some short time giving a quick overview of the rules, some of their caveats, and my opinions of them.

Unlike many war/skirmish game, Malifaux does not use dice.  It uses playing cards with the serial numbers shaved off instead.  Grab a deck of 52 playing cards, two jokers (label one black and one red) and you're set (you just have to remember that Diamonds, Hearts, Spades, and Clubs translate to Masks, Rams, Crows, and Tomes respectively).  Current competitive play requires players to have the models that they use in their games, but does not require them to be painted (to my knowledge).  My above statistics listed a minimum startup cost of $35.  For that price, you buy the core rulebook and you're ready to go.  The core book has stats for all of the models that were available at the time the book was released.  So use some quarters or something, and get going.  I've also listed an appropriate startup cost.  For $80 you can grab the book, a starter set full of models, and the neat looking Malifaux deck which has the required number of cards with the properly labeled Malifaux specific suits.

Malifaux also breaks the trend of normal miniature/skirmish games by changing what it means to win.  In other games, you win by eradicating the enemy, or killing their leader, or some other arbitrary goal that involves a lot of fighting. In Malifaux it is possible to win a match without actually attacking your opponent.  It's not about killing the other person's models (though that does help), it's about accomplishing your strategy and schemes.  This is why Malifaux is a story driven skirmish game.  You win by completing the story, not by killing your opponent.  This is my favorite part about Malifaux! It is such a revolutionary idea to me that I immediately fell in love with it.  To my knowledge, none of the other mainstream miniatures games employs this. Fun and original! Wyrd Miniatures gets a tip of my hat for that.

I won't delve too much into the specific rules, but know that the general mechanic works like this:

Declare an action, measure distance to check range.  If out of range, action fails.  If within range, begin a "Duel". Once the winner of the Duel is determined, activate any triggers and resolve the action.

Duels in Malifaux are essentially a giant game of War (that game you played with cards when you were three because you didn't know how to play anything else).  Each player flips a card from their deck, adds the appropriate modifier from the acting or defending model's stats.  Decide who is currently the winner.  Then starting with the loser, players may "Cheat Fate".  Cheating involves playing a card from your hand to replace the one you flipped from your deck.  Then the winner gets to decide whether or not to Cheat Fate.  Redetermine the totals, Decide who is the final winner, and proceed from there.

Obviously, there is a lot more to these rules, but those are the basics.

Some interesting caveats I ran across while reading the book are as follows:  Like other miniatures games, you're required to declare and action BEFORE you check distance with a ruler.  If you're then out of range, the action fails and you lose that action.  Measuring distance in order to determine whether or not you can attack is in fact, cheating.  I'm non-plussed about this rule.  I understand that it helps balance the game, restricting players so that they can't "just barely move into range," etc.  However, it adds a level of difficulty to the game if players don't have a good eye for distance.

Another interesting rule is the part about summoning.  If you cast a spell or use an ability that summons a model to the field, you must actually own that model or request to borrow one from your opponent. If you do not own the model, then the action fails.  This applies to the Resurrectionist's abilities to summon zombies and the like.  It also applies to their ability to revive the fallen models of their opponents.  Interestingly enough, in competition if you try to revive a opposing unit, the owner can elect to deny you permission to use their model.  If that occurs, the action/spell fails.  To me, this sounds like, "If your opponent is a jerk, you had better own all of the models that they're running so you can use your own if he tells you you can't use his." Unlike the earlier rule, I have strong opinions about this one.  It is a turd!  Wyrd Miniatures gets a wag of my finger for that.

One other observation that I've made about this game is that no one really actually knows how to play it.  I say this jokingly, of course.  But the fact remains is that the online errata for the book and models is about as long as my forearm, and at least as long as the original rulebook itself.  I'm totally fine with sticking by new games while they hammer out their issues, but I've heard tales of players in tournaments asking referee's questions that required them to huddle up, talk in hushed whispers, and flip through books for five minutes and still have no answer.  A lot of the errata is posted on their online forums, but I would still like to see a downloadable compiled list of some sort.

Bottom Line:

The bottom line is, that while this game has some issues with rules and semantics, and while I have a deep seeded hatred for miniatures games, somehow, I love it.  It's incredibly fun to play, and cheap to get into.  I highly recommend grabbing your friends and press ganging them into hiring some crews and hitting the table.

Rating: 4 soul stones out of 5.

I'll Do Anything For Fun, But I Won't Play Miniatures Games

This post is going to be rather short, but I believe it deserves it's own spot on my blog because it explains a lot about me.

About 10 years ago, when I was still on an allowance from my parents for doing chores, I spent about 6 months allowance on a starter set for Warhammer 40k.  My cousin also bought one.  An entire day later, after spending countless hours gluing space marines together I was fed up.  I'd spent about $140 on these models that didn't even look all that pretty, because let's face it: That armor isn't that detailed.  In fact, the leave it up to you to put the details on!  I hadn't even STARTED painting my models (which by the way is a requirement in that game) and I had already decided this game was not for me.  6 hours of gluing and not even a single game played, I decided to give my $140 worth of models to my cousin and get out while I still could.

A few years later, I was introduced to Magic The Gathering.  A year later, I started playing Dungeons and Dragons.  I've been an adamant fan of table top RPGs and Card games since.

This will all make sense in a later post, I promise.  But for now, suffice to say, for about 12 years or so, I hated miniatures games with a passion!

Chez Cthulhu - ph'nglui mglw'nafh

Producer: Steve Jackson Games

Genre: Board/Card Game

Approx Retail: $20

Chez Cthulhu is another board game employing cards to drive its main game mechanics.  Chez Cthulhu is in the same avenue of play as Fluxx, and less complex than other SJ games like Munchkin.

CC is a fun game to waste a few hours with your friends. It's by Steve Jackson, so you know it's good! Consequently, this is exactly the type of game that would create a wonderful drinking game! Watch out, though, some of the rules are sort of wonky and might make you roll SAN. Also, that Bill is an asshole (It'll make more sense when you play the game, honest).

The Premise:

You and the other players are all roommates.  Like all good roommates you engage in some healthy competition - Who can slack off the most.  Because we all know that when the great old ones awaken they will certainly devour the most ambitious among us first, right? Also, if one is a true slacker, what's the end of the world matter when compared with the grass that I haven't been mowing for like two weeks now?

Each of the roommates has a separate "room" which is where all of their cards are played.  They can invite people over their rooms, kick people out of their rooms, watch TV, and generally slack off however they would like in their own room.  Generally, players can only affect things in their own room, unless a card says otherwise

Brief Rules breakdown:

Though I don't have the rules in front of me, the basics are easy enough to remember that I can list them here with at least mild confidence in my accuracy.

The basic game mechanic is: Do what the rules say, unless a card tells you to do otherwise.

At the beginning of the game players roll dice to determine who goes first.  Each person then draws 5 cards from the deck, and receives one "Job" card. Jobs can be anything from Dog Walker, to Gravedigger, to Lackey.  The Job card describes each player's special abilities and bonuses (if any), the amount of free time they have every turn, and their income per turn.  Your job also determines your Slack Goal, which is basically this game's win condition.  You win when you have enough slack to meet your slack goal.  Better jobs have higher slack goals.

Free time is always a set number, but can be affected by abilities and cards.  For instance, as the Night Watchman, the player has a Free Time of 2*.  As the card states, they may watch TV as an activity at no charge to their free time.

Income is either a set number, or "Variable Income." If your job's income reads as a fraction (ex. 1/2), you roll a six sided die at the start of every turn to determine how much you earn that turn.  1,2,3, you get the low number, 4,5,6, you get the high number.

Other card types are People, Things, Activities, and Whenever.

People come in three types: Regular, Unwanted, and Pets.

Things are just that: Material possessions that can be bought with income.  They may also have a subtype in parentheses like (Food), (Booze), or (Tentacles).

As a general rule, People, Things, and Activities you do in your room generate slack or madness which will impact your journey towards your slack goal.

Activities are things you do in your free time, like Nookie (of which this game has many types).  Watching TV is special.  A player may play a TV card on another player to prevent them from Going Shopping or Doing Activities on their own turn.

Whenever cards are cards with varying effects that a player may play whenever they want.  These are useful for interrupting other player actions, or for performing general shenanigans.

On each player's turn, they draw until the number of cards in their hand equals 6.  Then roll the dice for anything that requires it (Variable Income, kicking an Unwanted Person out of their room, etc). Players may then play call People.  If a player has a person in their hand that generates 0 slack, they are an Undesirable/Unwanted Person (Bill!).  Undesirables must be played immediately, and come into the game automatically, though not necessarily into their own room.  Pets count as people and may be invited into a player's room automatically.  Any other Person a player wishes to invite over must be called.  Success is determined by a die roll.

Then players may enter the activity phase where they can Go Shopping and Do Activities to add to their slack count.  Going shopping costs 1 free time, and the player may buy as many Things as their Income allows.  Each Activity a player does costs 1 free time and possibly more income. Interestingly enough, Nookie is always free.  Do what the cards say, roll when necessary.

At the end of the players turn, they may discard as many cards as they want, (usually the ones that they cannot use) but their hand must retain a minimum of 1 card.

Cards may cause players to gain Madness.  Initially madness subtracts from your slack.  But if you get enough madness, the penalty becomes lessened, and eventually becomes completely alleviated.  Attain enough madness and you will go Stark Raving Mad.  Discard all of your madness.  You can no longer lose madness.  All further madness adds to your slack.

If at any point in the game, even for an instant, a player reaches their slack goal, they win.  Even if another player then causes them to lose slack afterwards it doesn't matter, because they don't care, because they've slacked off enough.

Summary: Fun to play, relatively inexpensive, good re-playability, great at parties (if your into that sort of thing).

Rating: 4 out of 5 tentacles.

My First Order of Business

Surprisingly, my first new blog post is not about any of the things I said it might be about.  In light of that, I'm adding random rants to the list of things that will appear here.

Anyways, let's get started.

Work in the IT field never seems to stop.  On my way home from work yesterday I stopped off at Shop Rite to return "Hot Tub Time Machine," which I had rented from the Redbox.  I arrived to discover a woman trying to jam her movie into the vending/returns slot.  Thanks to the detection sensors that the wonderful movie making machine the redbox is, the screen simply displayed the words, "To return a movie please return to the main menu and select return," I sensed that the AI also desired to add, "Stop trying to jam it down my throat!" But that would be against its programming of course.

Seeing me holding my movie she asked, "Do you know how to get this thing to return movies?" As if her grammar wasn't bad enough, I sighed, walked in front of her, pressed, "return" and put her disc into the slot.  The machine accepted it without issue.  She the proceeded to try and jam a second one down it's throat.  Poor Redbox.  I had to once again step in and return her movie for her.

Some of you may be happy to know that I managed to refrain from asking her if she'd tried turning it off and on again.

Roll Initiative

Let's get this thing started with a small section about this blog and about myself.

About this blog:

From Topps to Hops is (I hope) going to become a place where I can put down my random thoughts and possibly reviews about all the things like, don't like, or am just trying out.  I'm not sure how active this blog will be just yet, but if I like doing this, maybe I'll put together some sort of schedule.  As the title suggests, I'm planning on tackling everything from cards (though not necessarily just baseball cards) to beer.  This should be an interesting mash up of ideas and opinions, so stay tuned!

About me:

I'm in my 20's, working full time in IT.  I've always had a love for playing games of all kinds. In many ways I've never grown up, and in others I've grown up too quickly.  I'm an avid fan of RPGs, TCGs, LCGs, LANs, and ... okay, enough with the acronyms.  As a person, I am as much of a mash up as I am hoping this blog will be.

Official Stuff:

I'll keep this disclaimer short:  Unless otherwise stated (particularly in the case of original writings), I don't own any material/names/etc that appears on this blog.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidence.  Et cetera, Et cetera, you know the drill.  If I need anything more official, I'll put it down later.

I hereby welcome any comments that you may have, but request that you keep them constructive and on topic.

One last quick note on formatting:  I'm not going to bother with it right now.  If this blog becomes something I begin to do with increasing frequency, I'll start to make it look better.  But right now, that's not one of my concerns.